Archive for August, 2008

Spare a thought for the Bergschrund family who drew into Iceland this morning. Tragically, their cruise of a lifetime came to an abrupt end.

The rest of the carefree cruise passengers ran open-armed towards the feisty geysers for their day off the boat.

Meanwhile, the Bergschrund family were pushed down the gangplank with their plush suitcases tossed unceremoniously after them.

Reykjavik will be their last port of call. They will not be returning to the boat.

Last night, Mr and Mrs Bergschrund chanced their luck in the ship’s casino. Mrs B, keenly sensing an abject lack of fortune, quit the tables early, leaving Mr. B with his dwindling chips and rapidly replenishing glass.

What happened next remains something of a transparent mystery.

At 5.30 a.m. this morning, the  captain made a ship-wide announcement:

“Would Mr Bergschrund of Cabin 251 please call zero on any phone.”

At 6.15 a.m. – in tones of rising desperation:

“Would Mr Bergschrund of Cabin 251 PLEASE call zero on ANY phone.”

6.30 a.m. – a more authoritative and more sombre announcement

“All crew involved in the search procedures please begin standard initial ship sweep and all guest services will be suspended.”

7.00 a.m. – Au revoir to the glitz and glamour of this particular cruise: 

“Ladies and Gentlemen we have been unable to locate Mr Bergschrund, who has been missing since 4 a.m. this morning. We are turning the ship around 180 degrees and will be ready to perform Man Overboard procedures. Meanwhile all crew please conduct stage 2 of the ‘bomb search’ procedure.”

8.15a.m. – Hint of extreme irritation:

“We have located the missing person and all services will be resumed as normal. Our arrival in Iceland is likely to be delayed several hours.”

The upshot was that Mr Bergschrund had drowned his sorrows with gusto in the casino after his wife had gone to bed.

Sometime in the unthinking small hours, he repaired to the cabin of a ‘new friend’, passed out and slept through the procession of announcements.

He was found during the stage 2 search (the combing of every cabin and waking of every guest at 7am)  draped on his new friend’s couch in a state of complete nakedness and insobriety.

Mr Bergschrund had remained blissfully unaware of the chaos all around.

Captain’s log:

The ship covered an additional 35km at a fuel cost of $518 per km. Four coastguard helicopters were scrambled. Two other ships began diversions to cover the same track. 

Estimated cost – forty thousand dollars US.

Mr Bergschrund and his family were dumped in Reykjavik this morning and left to find their way home (or to wherever Mr. B will henceforth be banished).

Just when you think the chips are down…


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Something of a mix up on the Yahoo news service.

This screenshot featuring furry pre-Olympic jollities and a slightly incongruous headline is a bit wrong on so many levels.

This was even accessible from your laptop in Beijing for a day or so thanks to the timely removal of censorship barriers by the Chinese government.

A quiet word was had and now everything is just fine again.

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August fust – Yorkshire Day ageean.

Fuh this un, thuz mooah chance ter celibrate. This year, tha kun ‘oist t’flag in thi own back yard un nobbdi kun do owt abart it.

Int UK, t’Flag Institoot regulates wot flags tha kun raise wiart evvin ter ask fuh plannin permission.

Up ter nar, t’iconic white rose ont blue backgrarnd wornt reco’nized us un official flag.

But nar, aftuh a Sproxton bloke kicked up a fuss a few year aguh, thev gid in. Bart time un all.

Ah woh lucky enough ter spend a month in God’s Own County this summuh.

Tha cahnt beet it can tha?

Sing t’anthem wi a bit uh pride!

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